finding-myself.txt An honest attempt to look within
Original Author: Sahil Gautam <printfdebugging@gmail.com>
Homepage: <https://printfdebugging.in/>
License: GNU GPL v2
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CONTENTS
1. Fear and Ambitions ambitions-and-fear
2. Greed of Having it all NOW greed
3. MissUnderstandings in HR missunderstandings-in-hr
4. The Ego is Out There to Prove Something proving-something
5. Communion in a Conversation communion-in-conversation
6. In a Hurry All the Time in-a-hurry
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Fear and Ambitions ambitions-and-fear
i am scared of being left and becoming irrelevant, and die without using
the life as i should have. so i searched for the biggest ambitions i
could and made them my own. then i find myself in constant fear of loosing
to others with bigger ambitions than me, and judge ones who are not that
ambitious as i am.
i watch each step of mine and compare that with each step of others and
hence never find joy in anything i do, i am just too occupoied. the
comparison helps me feel that i am worth something, compared to someone
else.
TODO: i now find myself asking "what should I do", which means that i
don't understand the situation quite yet.... leaving this for later
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Greed of Having it all NOW greed
greed has it's fare share in taking me away from the joyful life. i start
working, and then get into the zone and notice the joy of it, the
limitlessness, and become greedy. then i actively chase joy, the zone...
and i never find it.
i should understand that i cannot order joy around, it comes and goes by
itself. all that i can do is sit on the side and keep doing what i am
doing, maybe wave a hand whenever it comes by. chasing it will only make
it run away!
the opposite applies to sorrow. the more i run away from sorrow, the
faster it catches up to me. on the other hand, embracing sorrow helps one
understand it and it's then when it reveals itself.
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MissUnderstandings in HR missunderstandings-in-hr
let's say i say something to a colleague, and he is busy with something so
he doesn't react the way i expected him to. then i would usually start
thinking about why he reacted this way and not that way, why didn't he
reply... then i would think in the second layer of maybe he didn't like
it, or he thought this or that... then the third layer...
another similar situation is when a preety girl looks at you, the brain
starts thinking about 'why she looked at me', is she interested... she
just looked at you, that's it.
it's unneccessary waste of energy and brainpower, not to mention the
stress that one gets from this. the reality is that you don't know what
happened, and the brain tries to make it certain, pretending to know
what happened leading to a big mess and missunderstanding.
a simple solution is to not think too much about what one doesn't know,
specially in human relations. if something is wrong, it would be very
obvious, or the other person would mention it explicitly, in which case
one should put their ego aside and appologize (unless the situation
requires otherwise, in special cases)
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The Ego is Out There to Prove Something proving-something
one enters social interactions with a self image for that context and an
agenda of their own if the conversation has one. one is already on one
side or the other and the goal of the conversation is usually to prove
that their side is true and that other's should accept that.
this becomes worse when the other side is someone who doesn't have the
basic constructs to understand the new thing that one talks about. and in
the persuit of proving their point, one actually behaves/acts vilently
towards the others. this shouldn't be done at any cost. understanding
cannot be shared unless one is ready for the change themselves.
communion in conversation is when you truely listen to others, know where
they are coming from and then speak to the best of your thinking and
abilities, understanding how much one can digest... that's when you are
walking along with them.
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Communion in a Conversation communion-in-conversation
when talking to someone, be it one person or be it a group, it's important
to remember that you are sharing a moment with each one of them, a moment
where you all walk together. in that moment there is no judgement, no
fear, no anything... just you and them.
you won't even care about them judging you, or you judging them, all that
would cease to exist for you, it will be our conversation then, not just a
speech. then you won't care about choosing elegant words, or putting on a
smile to be polite... that would happen on it's own where it feels like
happening.
when sitting and having small chats, you won't be greedy about continuing
it for no reason. long pauses are conversations in themselves. you don't
have to search for what to talk about next, if it's there, it comes out on
its own.
you are in communion when you are high in the conversation... the you
doesn't exist anymore, and there isn't anything to prove, just the
conversation itself and humble curiosities which put on the table as
polite questions, not questions on the one saying the thing as it happens
in a typical conversation.
put your ambitions at the corner for that time, just be with them and make
sure that they feel the warmth, apparently the world has become a pretty
cold place.
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In a Hurry All the Time in-a-hurry
remember that you save money to later have time. having money and then
later being invested into multiplying it doesn't make much sense. you
should have time to be able to talk to a stranger on the road for however
long you what. that's what you save money for
don't waste money here and there and you will be fine. make responsible
decisions and not in a hurry or under influence of someone, to impress
someone...
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